Closer to home…
The next part of our series on relationships deals with the most important one. Before we get into this one, let us say this upfront. This article applies to married couples or partners in a healthy relationship at the time of diagnosis. If there were issues before then this can amplify them. For those people, we wholeheartedly suggest counseling if more problems start to arise. Overall, what is probably the only good thing about this entire struggle is that it can bring your relationship with your significant other to a higher level.
We will start with what is common to every family going through this, change. The only thing constant in life is change, and well, with this struggle almost everything will change. It becomes very clear in the beginning that your priorities change. For the following months and possibly years, your child becomes the most important part of your life. Your child’s treatment and progress take precedence over everything. Prior to this, you may not have thought twice about going out to eat or to a movie. It wouldn’t even bother you to go anywhere there is a crowd. Now you can’t as your child may get sick. Frequent infections and side effects can make planning anything a nightmare. It’s not uncommon to have a great fun morning only to be in the ER that afternoon because of a fever. It’s important to roll with the punches. It’s key to be flexible and accept the changes as you have very little control over most of them. Fighting them won’t get you anywhere and all that wasted effort could be used toward other things that do help. Remember that the treatment phase is temporary. It will eventually come to an end.
Given that there will be change, it is also important to remember that you are a family. No matter how you define what a family is there is always “together” involved. It is important to support each other through this so that there can be togetherness. This may involve changing some of your roles. The father may need to be the one cooking meals. The wife may be the one working more often. Don’t feel restricted to traditional roles. If your partner needs to do something so they can be more with your child, fill in the gaps so they can. Overall, there will be more work and effort for everyone. Be supportive of each other. Remember that whatever you don’t do, your partner must. Also, it is okay to let your partner feel the same as you are as you both are going through this. If you have felt depressed and need to cry, odds are that your partner feels the same way. Let them, and return the support that was given to you.
Communication is an important part of every relationship. How can you relate if you don’t talk? We are referring beyond that though. During this ordeal, there will be many difficult decisions. It is imperative that you discuss your thoughts and feelings beforehand. No one ever wants to talk about their child dying. It’s difficult to see your child be put through some of the treatments they must get. Many of the drugs and surgeries are life-altering. Many of the decisions need to be made quickly. Spend some time talking about how you feel about everything. How far do you want to go with everything? How hard do you want to fight? At what point do you say stop? Even with cancers with a high survivability rate, children can face death. Do you only begin to think of how your partner feels about it when the infection has set in and it’s a struggle for your child’s heart to keep going?
When you discuss everything, compromise can be of value in decisions as well. It is pretty much a conclusion that you will not agree with everything your partner believes. It is important to fully discuss and listen to what your partner has to say. Please don’t get upset if they say something you don’t agree with as they have a reason to feel that way. If you listen fully to what they have to say it may lead to a point that you haven’t considered. On many topics, you can somewhat meet in the middle. However, what should you do when you can’t? If one parent says they are the final say so, it will more than likely result in resentment from the other as they will feel left out and unimportant when they have as much of a stake. The best approach we have found is to sit down with someone that knows not only about your child’s situation but also has experience with other families in similar situations. This could be your child’s oncologist or a social worker in your child’s clinic. It may just be that an objective look at the situation leads you both to agree on something.
The last bit which sums everything up is to learn forgiveness. The entire experience will be stressful and at some point, you or even both of you may say something you later regret. It isn’t free reign to take shots at each other, but it isn’t out of the normal for emotions to cause a person to get defensive and explode outward. However, that isn’t where forgiveness ends. You must learn to forgive yourself for doing what you decide to do. You will have your child’s best interests at heart, but it is impossible to see what the outcomes may be. It isn't easy to put your child through treatment. It weighs heavily on your heart when they are sick. Most of all though, remember that you didn’t do anything for your child to deserve this.
Not all of this may apply to your situation, but we hope that at least some of it may help. You aren’t alone. There are many of us who have been in your shoes and will do what we can so that your journey is easier. At any point you need something no matter if it is something as small as just listening for a moment, please reach out.
For the next and last installment, we have several submissions from other families on how going through this experience has changed their relationships with friends, family, and significant others. Thank you for reading this series. We are hopeful that it has in some way helped whether you are the one going through this or know someone who is.