From the Outside…
Odds are that if you are reading this you know someone who has a child with cancer or it’s your own child. After diagnosis, everything changes, and I do mean literally everything. What was important is no longer a priority. What was solid now becomes very fluid. This dynamic is especially hard on relationships. With this small series, we hope that maybe we can help someone work through this. Our first discussion focuses on the outside looking in by giving a point of reference and some advice if you have a friend whose child has been diagnosed.
There are a few things we do want to say upfront. For the first two articles, when we talk about relationships, we are talking about those with friends and family. It’s often thought that family has this special bond beyond what a friendship has, but this is often not the case. Many people have friendships much stronger than kinship. Our third article will offer some perspectives on spousal relationships. We are also not here to offend anyone, but we do strive for some self-reflection and thought about what is important to you. These aren’t directed at anyone we know. All of this is taken from our experiences, good and bad, and those shared with us along our journey.
The first thing that pops into your head when you hear this unfortunate news is that you probably don’t know what to say to them. Those of us who are going through this don’t know what to say either. Just say something. Anything! You probably aren’t going to find words to give someone strength or hope. What you will do is show that you care and are there. Communication is the key if your relationship is going to survive. If there isn’t any communication, the relationship will disappear. Also, this isn’t something you can just pick up when “it’s over.” Parents are forever changed.
Before you travel a little further down the road, you do need to ask yourself a few questions. We noted that there will be some self-reflection. This is it. Everything has some value to it; otherwise, you wouldn’t keep it. Is your friendship worth this to you? There are various levels of relationships, and this is going to be some work. Can you take on extra responsibilities in this relationship? Everyone has issues going on. If say you are going through a very difficult divorce, it wouldn’t be fair to say that you are a bad person because you can’t keep up with what is going on. On the other end, if you barely know this person there shouldn’t be any expectations. There is also a reward to this as well. If your relationship survives through the initial stages, the bond you build can last a lifetime. If you do back away though, don’t be surprised if you rarely hear from your friend again.
There are some major changes ahead. The biggest is in reliability. As a parent, your priority through all of this is your child. There will be times when your child will be going through treatment, is very sick, or needs extra attention. If you used to have a “game night” or weekly get together, those might not happen anymore or may seldom occur. During treatments, their child may have low white cell counts. At those times, the parents may not wish to expose their child to potentially harmful infections. Something that may not slow you down can easily hospitalize or even kill a child with a compromised immune system. Another change that more than likely will occur is your friends focus. Don’t get upset if your friend rarely asks about your life. It isn’t fair to you if you are completely ignored, but we will cover that in the next discussion. Your friend may also no longer seem interested in a lot of things. This can be a warning sign of depression, and we will also cover that in the next installment.
What are you to do? You might be surprised at how easy some of these are. Here are seven thoughts we feel can sustain your relationship through these hard times.
1. Say something from time to time. It can be something as little as “just thinking about you.” If you and your friend have a sense of humor in common, send them a meme you saw that morning that has kept you laughing. This keeps the communication open. You may not get a response, but we can guarantee it will get noticed. You may also get an earful.
2. Don’t get involved with the specifics. It is one thing to give advice when asked, but it is completely unacceptable to have the “if it was my child” conversation without permission from the parent. There are difficult decisions to be made throughout this which should be made by the parents alone. This also includes comparisons. “My uncle had cancer” is going to fall on deaf ears and may even get you some resentment thrown your way. Pediatric cancer does not translate to adult cancer and vice versa. Even children with the same types of cancer can have vastly different outcomes and experiences through treatment.
3. Do something. This can vary greatly from asking if your friend needs something while you are out to buying or bringing them a meal. It could make your friends day having a nice cup of coffee or give them a little less stress knowing the yard was mowed.
4. It’s okay to ask about their child. Don’t assume that your friend doesn’t want to talk about their child. We have been told several times over that no one asks. If the parents don’t want to discuss it, they will tell you. By asking, you are showing a high interest in what is your friends primary focus even if you don’t know a lot of the specifics.
5. Remember that all of this is temporary. Even though a diagnosis stays with the child for the rest of their life, the treatment phase is not permanent. Treatment can be as little as a few months, or it can last a few years. There are many different outcomes, but it will come to an end.
6. Be respectful to your friend and yourself. We aren’t referring to manners but rather to boundaries. It can cause severe stress to your friend if you pry. At the same time, if you are dealing with a full plate as well, don’t be afraid to tell your friend. Both sides should be able to say no.
7. Finally, silence doesn’t mean what you think it means. We are programmed to think that someone not responding to you can mean anything from they are mad at you, don’t want you around, or that job you wanted isn’t yours. Silence in these times mean a lot more. It is usually that there is something very stressful going on or that that parent just needs a break from everything. We don’t mean anything by it so please don’t read into it. As a friend you may think of the analogy of poking the sleeping bear, but go back to #1.
We hate to see friendships end when they really shouldn’t. It unfortunately seems to be a routine occurrence. In the next discussion, we will cover this from the inside and offer some responses we have received over the previous week. If you would like to add your insight or experience or even have a question concerning this topic, please feel free to mail us at nic@wylieraeslove.com or amanda@wylieraeslove.com.
Thank you all again for supporting us and our goal of helping others.